found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
