Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
