dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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