It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
