and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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