you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
