ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
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