Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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