Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
