Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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