Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You dont lie about slip and slides
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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