I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
do herpes really smell.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
