Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
