No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Randomize
