and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
