Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
