i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
