I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
And then he peed in my hair
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