mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
