I hate your face
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
