All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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