I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
