I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize