I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
