how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
