God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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