dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
