saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize
