Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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