Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
