hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
