Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
