sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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