You kept calling me your small dog last night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
you never un-have a 4some
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
