my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
