I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
