Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
