***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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