dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
