ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize