You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
