wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
