By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
