i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
