I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
