I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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