He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
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