I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
