So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize