Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
