Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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