Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
