My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
