Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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