I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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