Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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