and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
