a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize