How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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