if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
