Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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