Your face is a jimmy john
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Less talking, more tequila
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize