you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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