Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
