There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Randomize
