Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
