Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
