its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
